So I’m sitting here, it’s late, and I should be asleep. I had planned on going to sleep early tonight. I need to start getting to bed earlier so I’ll be all right with going to bed earlier this semester, as I have two 8 am classes. Matter of fact, I’ve been telling myself the same thing for at least the past week, if not longer. I keep planning on doing things, but they just don’t happen the way I plan out.
I spend a lot of my time planning things out, making them happen in my mind just the way I’d like them to. Like the other day, I was playing Words With Friends, and things had fallen into place perfectly, so I could play the word “history”, and probably take a solid lead in the game, putting me on the path to winning. Then, on my opponent’s next move, he uses the “S” on the board that I had planned to use for his own word. The word was “hairs.” Needless to say, I was frustrated. I had this brilliant plan, and everything would have worked out exactly in my favor, only to have that plan messed up by something not really in my control.
This made me ask my self what always causes my plans to get screwed up? Sometimes it’s myself and my own stubbornness, like when I’m keeping myself up too late when I need to be getting better sleep. But sometimes, something else happens to you. You can’t really control it. Like if you get rear-ended at a stoplight. What can you do about that? You’re completely stopped. There’s no way to swerve out of the way, there’s really no predicting it. You didn’t plan on having that happen. You planned on getting where you were going without any trouble. But something outside of your control changed that.
Everyone has their own dreams, their own aspirations. If everything works out the way I’ve dreamt it up, it’s beautiful. I graduate college, and attempt to start my own business. In about to years, it folds. Looking for a fresh start, I pick up and move to Colorado, where I’ve always dreamed about living. I get a job in Denver, and have a nice apartment in the heart of it. I make some good friends, and eventually meet my wife. We get married, and move out of downtown Denver, to somewhere with a little bit of open land. We have a daughter after a few years being married. After that, we have twin boys. One becomes super musically talented, and the other goes on to play quarterback at a D1 college. After that, we have another boy, full of his own surprises. I grow old in that house in the Colorado mountains, and spend my retirement playing guitar on the front porch on a daily basis. It would be beautiful, right?
I think I’m crazy.
That whole plan probably won’t work out. The only that might work out the way I want it to is me moving to Colorado. That’s probably the most likely thing to happen out of that whole plan, and even that is reasonably questionable.
The thing is, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. This life is a gift, and gifts aren’t ours to plan. The beauty of it all though, is that there is a direction that you’re going in, whether you know it or not. Sometimes that direction might be a little off course, but something will set you right again.
And yet, here I find myself, day after day, night after night, creating a plan of my own, when in fact, there’s already a plan out there for me. I’m never perfectly content with what I’ve been given.
God’s got me. Why can’t I ever let that be enough?